Where I Learned Not To Shrink
On my first day of classes in Stirling, I was already nervous for so many reasons. I had no idea what I was getting into, whether that be how classes were set up, the size of classes, or the fact that I had no friends in my classes. I watched as groups of five people at a time walked into the room where my class was. I was just sitting there, going through every bad situation that could happen, while, for 10 minutes, people kept flowing in. The seats were dwindling, and there were still so many people coming in and getting ready for class. All these people seemed to know each other and were all talking. I was just sitting there staring at the screen at the front of the room. I felt like the more people came into the, room, the smaller I became.
Once class started, I turned around, looking everywhere, seeing maybe 10 seats without a person. This is the biggest class I have ever had in my whole life. It looked like an entire movie theater with rows and rows of seats. Each row had 25 seats in each. The lights were dim like before a movie happened. I went to a small high school that included fewer than 200 people in my graduating class. I then moved to Lander, where there were not even 25 in each class I had. I soon realized I had no idea how I was going to get close to anyone and make friends. I became so riddled with anxiety that I felt like I had made a mistake leaving what felt comfortable.
As the days turned into weeks, I realized that the class size was not as bad as it felt on the first day. Soon, I got used to how class was set up and got close to some people I sat next to. One of my friends that I met while in my Family Law class invited me over to her house to eat dinner with her family. I was so excited that I was finally able to make connections in my class. While I started to get close to these people, I was also getting close to the people who lived near us. I felt so much better that I was not alone in feeling overwhelmed in the classroom. While none of my friends who lived with me were in any of my classes, it was nice that after class, whether it was around town or on campus, I would find a familiar face. Once this started, I started feeling better about everything. I met people through people, and my group of friends started to grow.
While I felt I was learning to build connections with people, I was also learning how to build a connection with myself. This was fueled by doing things with friends and alone. By the end of my experience, I learned that I was able to do things alone and with people and benefit from them all. While I reflected at the end of each day, I would take a step back and realize that there was a day when at Lander, I knew no one and felt isolated and alone.
That was not the case anymore, I had friends everywhere. I knew there was always going to be a familiar face in a class, walking around campus, or in town. These thoughts made me realize that I was just going through a small moment of uncertainty, but it didn't have to be a forever thing. I would take my friends up on things like doing homework at a café, going to get lunch, walking around the mall, or just sitting at the dorm and talking.
One of my favorite stories is one night when me and my friends all sat and watched Vampire Dairies, were coloring, then played card games. It was at that moment where the room was filled with laughter and happiness that I felt that I truly had experienced the best feeling in the world. The constant laughing at making people draw uno cards, to the fake fighting when trying to win the Russian Slap game. The feeling I had that night was something that I can never forget.
While these things were good for me, l also realized that my connection with myself was also growing in small ways. I would never be one to do things alone at Lander; I would also look for someone to do the small things with, so I didn't have to feel alone, but in Stirling, I felt different. I felt like being alone was good for me. I would do things I would do with friends by myself, and soon I learned to be more fulfilled.
Once I started to think about how being alone wasn't actually a bad thing, I soon found that I loved it. I have always been an independent person, but I would fill my time with people, so I didn't feel alone, while in Stirling, I learned how to be alone without being alone. I realized that the first day in class was not actually being alone, rather just being in a different places. It didn't mean that I was isolated and left out; it just meant that I had to learn how to be part of a new group. This allowed me to have so many different types of interactions that ended in better friendships at the end of the whole trip.
I look back now and see just how many relationships were actually made. These would include my classmates, my housemates, my friends through other friends, and finally, my relationship with myself. I learned that even in a big room that feels like it is shrinking, I do not have to shrink with it. I can grow and find my place. If I had let myself shrink into that lecture hall, I would have missed out on so many friendships. I would have lost deep connections that I made that I would keep forever. Stirling taught me that it doesn't matter what room someone is in, but rather what they do when put in said room.
Rylee Hoffman is a Criminology and Sociology major with minors in Forensic Science and Pre-Law at Lander University who participated in a study aboard opportunity at Striling University, Scotland in Spring 2025. She expects to graduate in May 2027 and plans to attend law school after completing her degree at Lander.